i always forget guys have bellybuttons
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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