Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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