The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
