I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Found the puke drawer
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
