You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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