We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
he had hair everywhere except his balls
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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