Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
