I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
