The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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