i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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