Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
They took my balls.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Randomize
