i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
