if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
