Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
