Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
