I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
