I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
last night I used snow as a chaser
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
