Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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