I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
