At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
