We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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