I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
