im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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