everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
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