Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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