I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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