You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
