I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
