Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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