I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
