Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
