I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
