If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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