Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Randomize
