Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
