what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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