My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
me + whiskey = a bad person
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