is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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