You just made me feel so damn special
I'm gonna have a badass scar
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
