You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
