the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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