the condom got lost in my hair
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
