6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Randomize
