We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
