I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
