is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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