I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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