Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
