I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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