I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
