true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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