I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
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